12/6/13 marked 5 years since mom's passing. Even though 5 years seems a long time, half a decade already, it also feels like it flew by really fast. Every once in a while I'm struck with this feeling of both awe and sadness whenever I think about how long it's been since I last saw mom. Five years since I talked with her. Five years since I felt the comfort of mom's warm and soft hands, five years since I last hugged her, five years since I had Starbucks and good long heart to heart chats with her at our "crying table" or in one of our cars in the garage. Five years since I heard her laugh especially when she's talking with her best friends. Five years since I got texts, AIM messages, emails and letters from her. Five years. I used to think it would be impossible to live without mom even if I've been doing things on my own for some time now. I couldn't imagine life without mom. To this day, I still struggle with that. Mom didn't just give birth to me, raise me the best she could, teach me survival skills so I can do things on my own, and be there with me whenever I needed a mom. She created a world that I was part of since I was born. A world full of so many things that made me who I am today. It wasn't my world, it was mom's world and I lived in it. That world was gone the same day she was taken from us. So for the past five years, I had to learn how to live in this world I wasn't as familiar and comfortable with as I was in mom's world.
As you know, I'm deaf. Right after I became deaf at age 2, I got the cochlear implant and was able to continue to use my speech skills for communication. I was able to participate in life in so many ways. I got an cochlear implant upgrade in 2012 so I could hear better. What a lot of people, especially my family, don't realize is not everything they saw me go through is what they thought it was. They saw me able to hear some sounds and able to talk with anyone, but most of the time I was just pretending and most of my reactions and responses were practiced to the point where I got it down perfectly. So I would say 80-90% of the time I did not understand them clearly. I pick out maybe 5 words that I think they said, put them together quickly in my mind like a puzzle so I can figure out the context, then I respond with what I think matches the 5 words I was able to make out. An example: "Tracy, your mother told me you (garbled) (garbled) (garbled) school (garbled) (garbled) my daughter (garbled) (garbled) long hair (garbled) meet you." My mind picked up "Tracy, your mother told me you school my daughter long hair meet you" then figured out the person must be talking about me going to school with her daughter who has long hair who she would like me to meet, then it quickly sorted through files of faces I remember from school to see if I remember any with long hair, then ta-dah my response becomes "Your daughter is Andreea? I know her, she's nice. I'm in Mrs. J's class and she's in Mrs. B's class, but I see her all the time. She always says hi to me in the cafeteria." I add extra details like that to "fluff" up the conversation and to stop the person from talking so much because otherwise I'd be completely lost. The more details I give (and the more I do the talking), the more likely the person I'm talking with will not talk so much and will instead give me shorter, quicker responses like "Oh really?" and "That's great!", which I prefer. Starting at age 2, I learned how to manipulate and take control of my conversations with everyone. It's a skill I picked up to survive, not to connect with others like any hearing person would. The more normal I seem to them, the easier life becomes, or so I thought for a long time.
Bottom line is -- despite getting the cochlear implant within the right time frame, undergoing years of intensive speech therapy, making friends with hearing non-signers who are patient with me, and getting a newer cochlear implant...I still cannot hear the way people think or assume I do. I did not feel like a complete person inside, I continued to feel like something was missing in me. I continued to yearn for that connection I could clearly see between people when they talked to each other effortlessly. Sign language saved my life. I am able to connect to people without having my mind work super hard at coming up with the right responses. I don't have to deal with the embarrassment of giving the wrong responses. I can be myself and say anything that comes to my mind, anything I'm feeling at the moment, ANYTHING. It's so easy that I don't even think about whether I'm signing right or not, etc, anymore. With my speech, it never felt that easy...not even close.
Well, mom was probably the only one in the family I had that ease with communication...I could actually understand word for word what she said. Part of it is probably from practicing my speech with her, as she'd work really hard with me to make sure my speech was clear. We connected somehow. She wanted that connection with me as much as I wanted it with her. We learned how to talk to each other the way we did. It became our own language even if it's all in spoken English and any hearing person could understand us, yet it felt like it was a language only we understood. We talked about everything...we responded to each other quickly, back and forth, joked, and more. I understood everything. When mom talked with others, I understood her maybe half of the time, so I knew with me she spoke a bit differently and I did not mind at all. It felt very natural too, not awkward or anything like that. She also did some basic signing, mostly fingerspelling (ABCs), which helped.
That was the kind of bond we had. We were connected to each other on so many levels that, as you can see, it was like half of me died with her when it was her time to go.
How does one begin to fill up the half in them that also dies when their loved one dies? The half in me that died with mom is still there. It hasn't been filled yet and I realized over time that it probably won't ever be filled because it was something that only mom and I shared together. I also realized over time that I don't have "halves" in me...I am like the universe, I have endless amounts of space I can fill up with all kinds of connections I make everywhere. That space in me is just as expansive as the universe, just as mysterious and explorable. Mom was like the sun as we know it, she took up a huge amount of my space, but since I am the universe, I still have so much more space that hasn't been discovered yet.
I have been making more connections and deepening some of them especially with people I am closest to, like my fiance and best friends. I have also been learning to deepen my connection with animals (my three wonderful kitties!) and nature. Even my connection with mom has been deepening over time. Everyone has different experiences with death and what it does to them. For me, it has been teaching me to connect more and deeper.
This entry was typed last year, it is now 2015. Mom has been physically (blood, flesh and bones) gone for 6 years. The connection we had is still there and I always find my comfort there. I feel her warmth and love when I'm there. Instead of keeping it inside, I let it pour through me so that it can touch others around me, because that was what mom was all about. It is through her love for us that keeps her alive, keeps us connected to her. I see her in my brother, his wife and their kids. I see her in my aunt, mom's oldest sister. I see her in my fiance, even if they only met one time, very briefly, years before she passed away. I love you so much mom.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Six Months Later...
Hi everyone!
It has been a little over six months since mom passed away. I realized I haven't kept up with this blog or mom's caringbridge.org website. The first few months after mom's passing were pretty busy ones for us...we had to clean out and box up years and years (decades, really) of memories. In March, Doug and I moved out of the townhouse where mom spent her last moments, and parted ways...I moved up to northern California, and Doug went traveling around the country.
We had a small memorial service on March 7th...it was a gorgeous day and it was held at mom's favorite park where she used to take me and Larry to play. Actually, Larry and I used to go to the elementary school right next to the park, so mom would pick me up first and then we would go play at the park, and then pick Larry up (we're 6 years apart). Mom had told me a few times that if she ever dies, she would like us to have a memorial service for her at that park and to make it as colorful as possible, to wear whatever we want, and share laughter and tears together. She wanted us to be happy...to celebrate her life. That is exactly what we did...and it was the gift I could give her after she's gone, to follow her last wishes. It felt good to do it the way she wanted it to be done.
She wanted Sarah McLachlan's song "Angel" to be played there too...we weren't able to do it, so I did it in my own SUV on my way up to Fremont :)
Ironically, after months of looking for a job, I ended up taking on a full-time position working with deaf senior citizens at an independent living residential complex. I am working as their social worker and some of them are pretty much living the last few weeks/months/years of their lives there...some are battling cancer and it reminds me so much of what mom went through. You would think I'm nuts for taking on this job right after mom's passing...because everything does remind me of her when I'm there...but it has been a very healing experience for me because I am able to empathize with the deaf seniors and their families during their difficult times, and I am familiar and comfortable with what goes on. I also feel like the seniors have "adopted" me as their family...I get so much love and appreciation from them for being there. I feel closer to mom working here too...I imagine she would have loved working here with me, and I tell stories about her to the deaf seniors...they love stories about mom and my cat Taj!
Watching these seniors, I realized mom was VERY lucky right up to the end. She had so many people there for her...people stopped by to see how she's doing, sent her things to brighten her days, called and emailed her, etc. She was surrounded by so much love, and she saw that these people loved her family and friends as well...because they also took care of me and Doug...and she knew all this right before she went into her deep sleep. For that, I am eternally grateful. That itself has inspired me to come to work every single day and to hang out with the deaf seniors. You have no idea how much they appreciate your company...and it does wonders in return.
It is not just the seniors that could use your company...their caretakers, families, and even pets could use some too!
Granted, not everyone (including pets) will "welcome" you with wide open arms...and not everyone will be in their best moments because being in pain is no fun. I learned that if they just see you are there...visibly there, ready to listen, help, anything...they are comforted by it. They may eventually warm up to you.
Growing up, I remember mom was always there for so many people...she would step in and stop arguments, call the police if she sees any disturbance, drive a stranger to their home, talk to a child who can't find her parents, help people carry stuff, take in stray animals (or at least coo at them and feed them if they won't come close to her), etc. One of my favorite memories of her from last summer was when we drove to the Upland post office...we saw some kids walking home from summer school, and a group of 4 little boys, about 10 years old, were at one corner of the street...two of the boys were physically beating up each other while the other two were standing by cheering. Mom drove up right next to the two fighting boys and rolled down the car window, yelled HEY! STOP! DON'T YOU BE FIGHTING LIKE THAT! at them...the two boys stopped immediately and looked so stunned, some of them scrambled away! Mom had a satisfied look on her face as she drove off and I was just sitting there with my mouth wide open, shocked...it was hilarious, we ended up having a good laugh over it afterwards!
I dream of mom quite often...either she makes a cameo appearance in my dreams or it is about us going on some kind of adventure together. I dream of her every week...once or twice a week, sometimes everyday. At first my dreams bothered me a lot...I would wake up realizing it was just a dream and my heart would feel really heavy. After a while, I started to appreciate the dreams...it was my way of spending time with mom like I always have, and it also became dreams where I took the opportunity to chat with her about what's going on in my life and sometimes she would give me advice (no kidding, I think my memory's full of her advice so I must have drawn some from the files!) It's very comforting.
I will post pictures here of the memorial service later on...for now I wanted to give everyone an update and to say "hey!" :)
Have a good weekend!
It has been a little over six months since mom passed away. I realized I haven't kept up with this blog or mom's caringbridge.org website. The first few months after mom's passing were pretty busy ones for us...we had to clean out and box up years and years (decades, really) of memories. In March, Doug and I moved out of the townhouse where mom spent her last moments, and parted ways...I moved up to northern California, and Doug went traveling around the country.
We had a small memorial service on March 7th...it was a gorgeous day and it was held at mom's favorite park where she used to take me and Larry to play. Actually, Larry and I used to go to the elementary school right next to the park, so mom would pick me up first and then we would go play at the park, and then pick Larry up (we're 6 years apart). Mom had told me a few times that if she ever dies, she would like us to have a memorial service for her at that park and to make it as colorful as possible, to wear whatever we want, and share laughter and tears together. She wanted us to be happy...to celebrate her life. That is exactly what we did...and it was the gift I could give her after she's gone, to follow her last wishes. It felt good to do it the way she wanted it to be done.
She wanted Sarah McLachlan's song "Angel" to be played there too...we weren't able to do it, so I did it in my own SUV on my way up to Fremont :)
Ironically, after months of looking for a job, I ended up taking on a full-time position working with deaf senior citizens at an independent living residential complex. I am working as their social worker and some of them are pretty much living the last few weeks/months/years of their lives there...some are battling cancer and it reminds me so much of what mom went through. You would think I'm nuts for taking on this job right after mom's passing...because everything does remind me of her when I'm there...but it has been a very healing experience for me because I am able to empathize with the deaf seniors and their families during their difficult times, and I am familiar and comfortable with what goes on. I also feel like the seniors have "adopted" me as their family...I get so much love and appreciation from them for being there. I feel closer to mom working here too...I imagine she would have loved working here with me, and I tell stories about her to the deaf seniors...they love stories about mom and my cat Taj!
Watching these seniors, I realized mom was VERY lucky right up to the end. She had so many people there for her...people stopped by to see how she's doing, sent her things to brighten her days, called and emailed her, etc. She was surrounded by so much love, and she saw that these people loved her family and friends as well...because they also took care of me and Doug...and she knew all this right before she went into her deep sleep. For that, I am eternally grateful. That itself has inspired me to come to work every single day and to hang out with the deaf seniors. You have no idea how much they appreciate your company...and it does wonders in return.
It is not just the seniors that could use your company...their caretakers, families, and even pets could use some too!
Granted, not everyone (including pets) will "welcome" you with wide open arms...and not everyone will be in their best moments because being in pain is no fun. I learned that if they just see you are there...visibly there, ready to listen, help, anything...they are comforted by it. They may eventually warm up to you.
Growing up, I remember mom was always there for so many people...she would step in and stop arguments, call the police if she sees any disturbance, drive a stranger to their home, talk to a child who can't find her parents, help people carry stuff, take in stray animals (or at least coo at them and feed them if they won't come close to her), etc. One of my favorite memories of her from last summer was when we drove to the Upland post office...we saw some kids walking home from summer school, and a group of 4 little boys, about 10 years old, were at one corner of the street...two of the boys were physically beating up each other while the other two were standing by cheering. Mom drove up right next to the two fighting boys and rolled down the car window, yelled HEY! STOP! DON'T YOU BE FIGHTING LIKE THAT! at them...the two boys stopped immediately and looked so stunned, some of them scrambled away! Mom had a satisfied look on her face as she drove off and I was just sitting there with my mouth wide open, shocked...it was hilarious, we ended up having a good laugh over it afterwards!
I dream of mom quite often...either she makes a cameo appearance in my dreams or it is about us going on some kind of adventure together. I dream of her every week...once or twice a week, sometimes everyday. At first my dreams bothered me a lot...I would wake up realizing it was just a dream and my heart would feel really heavy. After a while, I started to appreciate the dreams...it was my way of spending time with mom like I always have, and it also became dreams where I took the opportunity to chat with her about what's going on in my life and sometimes she would give me advice (no kidding, I think my memory's full of her advice so I must have drawn some from the files!) It's very comforting.
I will post pictures here of the memorial service later on...for now I wanted to give everyone an update and to say "hey!" :)
Have a good weekend!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Mom Being Mom
As we were packing up the house and getting ready to move, I keep seeing this picture over and over...it's one of our favorites of mom, we all agree this shows her personality PERFECTLY:
In a way, this picture makes me feel like jumping in it and splashing water at mom just to see her reaction! She'd probably splash at us first before we could!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Mom the Artist
Mom got to do something this summer that she's always wanted to do...learn how to paint! She did this in Wyoming:
Thank you for sending this to me, NTM! Now I know where I got my artistic side from...not just dad, but mom too! *biiiiggg smile* I'm so proud of mom!
The Hat Lady
I absolutely LOVE the pictures Vickie sent! Thank you!!
Here's what she wrote:
Tracy,
I will send all the pictures I have of your mom via a couple of emails. They were taken on May 26, 2007 (it was Memorial Day weekend and 5/26 is my birthday). Your (step)dad made us both breakfast and we were told Misty was on a diet so we couldn't sneak her any bacon. We had a good laugh about that.
I bought Noelle a bunch of hats and brought them over since she'd lost her hair at this point. I loved doing that for her.
Love,Vickie Barton
Aren't they the cutest couple or what?!
Here's what she wrote:
Tracy,
I will send all the pictures I have of your mom via a couple of emails. They were taken on May 26, 2007 (it was Memorial Day weekend and 5/26 is my birthday). Your (step)dad made us both breakfast and we were told Misty was on a diet so we couldn't sneak her any bacon. We had a good laugh about that.
I bought Noelle a bunch of hats and brought them over since she'd lost her hair at this point. I loved doing that for her.
Love,Vickie Barton
Aren't they the cutest couple or what?!
Mom and Vickie...such a wonderful friend!
The next few pictures are hilarious...I love mom's spirit in this...I also remember she had one of the most PERFECT bald head I've ever seen! It was smooth and round, and just so adorable! I had the honor of shaving off her hair for her (I think Doug did too)...she definitely rocked these hats and made it look fun!
You want to see a good example of "Bald is Beautiful"? Just look at the pictures again!
Hermosa Beach 2008
This picture was taken in July, when mom and I went to Hermosa Beach with my good friend Andrea (she came all the way from Newfoundland!) to visit mom's family...uncle John, aunt Karen and cousin Dani were staying at that house, which was RIGHT on the beach...they came from Ohio, so it was such a treat to see them! We also saw aunt Paula and her kids, as well as aunt Merilee later that day. I don't know if you can really tell from this picture...I injured my back reallllly bad about a month before this was taken, and I could barely walk around much. There's a cane next to me, my savior. No, mom was definitely my savior that summer...she helped me recover by taking me to the chiropractor three times a week and getting me food, drinks, etc. It was one of the toughest summers for me, I don't remember feeling this limited physically-wise...mom truly helped me BIG TIME. One of my favorite memories during the summer was when mom and I watched the Bachelorette finale together and she lit candles around the house, poured us glasses of wine, and served a plate of cheese and crackers! We had some of the best laughs that night. I will always miss her laugh!
Thank you, aunt Karen, for this picture!
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